


43. I Can't Love You

by WingsOfWax



Series: One or the Other [8]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst Lite, Bit of Fluff, M/M, Mention of scars, brief mention of aaron's trial, mention of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-10
Updated: 2017-02-10
Packaged: 2018-09-23 05:32:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9642740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingsOfWax/pseuds/WingsOfWax
Summary: "Matt brings Aaron’s hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles, then the back of his hand, then his fingers, and finally his palm. 'These hands defend people,' Matt says softly. 'You aren't a protector like Andrew, but you do defend people. You defended him, me, even yourself sometimes. You've got scars from how hard you try to keep yourself quiet, to keep yourself from hurting others. I love your hands.' Matt kisses them all over again."





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is from a prompt I got on tumblr! Thank you anon and @webedragons!~

Settling in at Perelman is difficult, at first. He is more alone than he’s ever been, and yet not. Nicky and Andrew are not sleeping just a few feet away in too-small beds in a cramped dorm room. Kevin won't show up halfway through the semester to keep Aaron up with his snoring. There is no exy practice to distract him. But he has Katelyn close by, just two doors down in the small apartment complex, and Matt texts him often and calls him at least once every day. Nicky texts when he can and they Skype when they can work out the timing. 

So, he doesn't have his family by his side anymore, but he isn't really alone either. That first semester is easier than he'd thought it would be, and Katelyn is always there to drag him into study groups or needle him into going with her to parties or simply to eat dinner with her while they work on papers or prepare for the lab they share. It's easy to slip into a routine, and he's comfortable being on his own. He feels better knowing he worked for this and accomplished it all on his own - he has no one to thank but himself this time around. 

Katelyn winds up with a new boyfriend halfway through the semester. Gregg becomes a constant presence at her side, and Aaron doesn't mind him too much. They share a class as well and, after spending so much time together, they become friends too. Gregg is, probably, the first real friend Aaron makes at Perelman. Haley and Daveed follow shortly after, and it's a bit of a shock when he realizes it. 

He's got plans to go to Albany for the winter break, and he can't wait. He didn't get to see Matt over Thanksgiving, since Matt had a game in Texas, and he wound up tagging along to Katelyn’s parents’ house for a short stay instead. She is the only one of his new friends that know about him and Matt, and he wants it to stay that way for a while yet. Even if it is easier now to admit that he and Matt are in a relationship, he still fears how people will react to the knowledge. 

Yet, the topic is broached one night while they are studying for finals. Daveed is coming back to their table with his phone tucked between his ear and his shoulder with his hands full of a cardboard tray of coffee and one extra in his other hand. Aaron stands and takes the tray and hands out the cups while Daveed hangs up and flops into his chair with a heavy sigh.

“Sorry that took so long. Christmas plans, you know? What are you all doing?” He takes a long drink from his cup and hums, satisfied with the caffeine. 

“Mom and Dad want to go skiing this year,” Katelyn says brightly. “Gregg and I are going to meet them at a resort in the mountains.” Gregg nods and smiles. Aaron has learned, bit by bit, that Gregg’s parents died when he was very young and he was raised by his grandfather. He is wealthy enough not to need a scholarship to go to school, and Aaron is only mildly jealous of that. He’s glad for Katelyn, though. She'll be well taken-care of, if things between them keep going at the same rate. He has a private bet with Nicky that they'll be married no later than the summer after their second year. Nicky thinks it will be this coming summer. 

“Haley?” Daveed asks. 

They wait for her to finish whatever she's typing out on her phone. “Uh, probably just heading to my grandparents’ house. The usual. Whole extended family gathers there for one awful week. I'm probably just going to spend the whole time drunk to avoid the drama.” She shrugs and then laughs a little. “The fights will be funny, though. I'll see if I can't get some videos.” Haley is from Alabama and she's worked hard to repress all traces of that - including an atrociously thick southern accent that only comes out when she’s drunk or angry. Aaron can understand not wanting to reveal where you come from. 

“What about you, Aaron?” Daveed looks straight at him, and Aaron considers lying. 

“I'll be in Albany,” he says at last. They are on their last leg of the study session. He knows he can finish the rest himself. It's mostly just for bouncing around the more difficult concepts at this point, but he's not having any trouble with his classes. 

“You have family there or something?” Haley asks.

Aaron’s eyes flick to Katelyn. She's watching him, but she's not saying anything at all. He takes a deep breath and stares down at his notes. “Boyfriend, actually.”

“Oh.” Haley sounds a little surprised and...disappointed? Aaron doesn't look to see. “Well that sounds nice. Bet it's pretty up there this time of year.”

“Wait,” Daveed says. “You're gay?”

“No,” Katelyn answers for him. “We dated back at Palmetto.”

“Holy -  _ you two _ ?” Haley gapes. Aaron chances looking up. Daveed looks curious and Haley looks blown away. Gregg knew about Aaron and Katelyn having dated before, but he is looking at Aaron with a little tilt to his head. “Aaron! How could you not, like, marry her instantly?”

This isn't where he expected this conversation to go at all, but he's still uncomfortable with it. “She deserved better,” is all he can say. He grabs his coffee and drinks a bit before taking up his pen again. “Can we go back to this now?”

“Wait, wait!” Daveed says, holding up his hands. “You can't just drop this bomb on us and expect us not to react. Come on, man. So...you dated Katelyn and now you're dating…?”

“Matt,” Aaron answers tersely. 

“Matt who?” Hayley teases. 

“He's not going to tell you,” Katelyn interrupts. “And he doesn't have to. Look, Matt is… Oh, I don't know how to say this…” She looks at Aaron with her bottom lip between her teeth. 

Aaron is beyond done with this entire conversation. “I will make you a deal,” he says, and he feels a bit like Andrew. “If you all will  _ stop talking about this _ , I will tell you who he is. But you have to swear never to tell anyone else, got it?” He doesn't exactly trust these people, but they are, perhaps surprisingly, his friends. 

“I swear,” Haley says quickly. 

“Yeah, okay, I promise,” Daveed says with a shrug. 

Aaron looks at Gregg. “I promise too,” Gregg says. He chuckles and looks at Katelyn. “I guess I don't have to ask you anymore, do I?” She just smiles a little and shakes her head. It means a lot to Aaron that she hasn't told him. 

“It's Matt Boyd,” Aaron mumbles. 

It takes a moment for that to sink in. “You mean, like, the exy player? Backliner for the Hawks Matt Boyd?” Haley asks. Aaron nods. He knew she'd get it first. They've had many conversations about exy. She's invited him to watch games, too, but Aaron always watches them alone - just in case something happens to Matt. “Holy  _ shit _ !”

“Dude,” Daveed says softly. “A pro athlete? Really?” He shakes his head, then looks at Haley. “I'm sorry. I thought you had a chance.”

Haley blushes furiously, her dark skin going a deep crimson. She smacks Daveed on the shoulder. “Shut up! Dick!” Daveed just laughs. Aaron rolls his eyes a little. “Just - ignore him, okay?”

“How long have you two been together?” Gregg asks politely. 

“Two years,” Aaron says, and it's a bit of a surprise to realize it. He shrugs a little. “We don't see each other much, though.”

“He was playing in Texas over Thanksgiving,” Haley says softly. “The Hawks beat the Pirates 12-3. It was beautiful.” She frowns a little. “It sucks that you don't get to see each other much… I guess it's a good thing that the summer break lines up with the exy off-season, huh?”

Aaron just shrugs, but he silently agrees. Last summer was great. They'd spent most of their time being lazy and only some of the time actually doing things. They kept up with Matt’s workout routine, but other than that, they just bummed around with no real plans. Matt’s injury from where Rich Currie stabbed him had healed very well and his physical therapy and sheer determination got him back in peak physical condition in no time. Rich wound up confessing to everything, so there wasn't even a trial to deal with. 

“Okay, but seriously, you're only just telling me now I've had a chance this whole time?” Daveed puts his head down on the table and he sighs loudly. “I mean, I can't compete with a fucking professional athlete, but I didn't even  _ know _ !”

“I think the point here was that you never had a chance,” Gregg says with a laugh. “You  _ or  _ Haley. Now suck it up. We need to finish this and then get some sleep for tomorrow.”

Aaron is a little weirded out that two of his new group of friends were, apparently, interested in him, but he ignores that and they all focus on the “study” aspect of their study group. He knows the instant ten o’clock comes because his phone begins to ring. It's Matt. He gets up from the table and ignores the teasing that follows him. 

“Hey,” he says softly as he escapes into the stairwell. 

“Hey babe,” Matt says, and yawns. “What are you doing?”

“Study group,” Aaron answers. He takes a breath. “I, uh, told them. About us.”

Matt is quiet for a moment. “Aaron...Babe, that's so great.” He can hear the smile in Matt’s voice. “God I can't wait to kiss you. This is great, babe. I'm so happy.”

“But why?” Aaron doesn’t really understand why Matt sounds so genuinely happy and excited. 

“Because…” Matt sighs a little. “This time last year, you freaked out over getting a picture of the two of us kissing and you couldn’t stand for anyone at all to know. Now you’ve literally just told people about us - being  _ together  _ \- all on your own. That’s...it’s amazing, babe.”

“Stop,” Aaron mutters, feeling his face heat up. “Let it go. It’s not that big a deal.”

“It is,” Matt counters, “but I’ll stop. Are you guys still studying? Do I need to let you get back to it?”

“Yeah, but I could use the break.” Aaron picks at the fraying cuffs of his black hoodie. “Practice go okay?”

“‘Course it did.” Matt laughs a little. “Lexi was a nightmare in the goal today, and I’m hoping she’ll be just as good at the game on Saturday. You’ll be done with finals and all, right?”

Aaron hums an affirmative. “Still planning to stop here before you head back to Albany?” Matt’s team is playing Ohio’s and Matt had insisted on stopping and staying one night at Aaron’s apartment before they head to Albany together. Aaron hadn’t argued against it much, other than mentioning the waste of money. Matt’s argument was that he was a pro athlete with more money than he knew what to do with, and that ended things. 

“Yep,” Matt says, and he sounds a little bit too happy. “Hey, since I’m there, think I can meet your friends? I haven’t seen Katelyn in forever either, and hanging out with exy players all the time does actually get a little old after a while.” He laughs at his own joke - Matt never gets tired of his teammates, though Aaron often does. 

“Uh.” Aaron glances through the open doorway that leads back to the library. He can see Gregg and Katelyn with their heads pressed close together and Haley and Daveed teasing each other. They’re a far different group from the Foxes, and he likes them much better, but he doesn’t know how they’ll take to Matt. 

He must have taken too long to answer, because Matt says, “I don’t have to, babe. I mean, I get it. I’d like to, but it’s fine.”

Matt sounds so disappointed that Aaron can’t help but roll his eyes. “Whatever. Just don’t let Haley talk about exy the whole time.”

“Okay,” Matt says softly, and Aaron can picture the stupid soft smile he probably has on his face. “I’ll let you get back to your studying. I know you’ll do great, but good luck anyway, okay?”

“Sure,” Aaron says. “Goodnight.”

“‘Night, babe. Love you.” 

Just like every time, it hurts to hear Matt say that. He’s been doing it more and more often lately. Aaron just hums a little and he hangs up. He stares at the dark screen of his phone for a long time, then finally pockets it and heads back to the table. He throws himself into his seat. Katelyn rubs his shoulder gently, and she’s looking at him like she knows something is wrong. He just shakes his head at her and they go back to studying for another hour.

At the end of it, as they’re gathering up their things and getting ready to leave, Aaron says, “Wait.” They all look at him and he looks down at the book in his hands. “Matt’s gonna be here on Sunday. He wants to...meet you guys.”

“Oh my god.” Haley sinks down into her chair, even though she’d only just stood up. “Are you serious? Like, for real? I’m gonna meet ‘im?” Aaron nods.

“Oh my various gods,” Daveed mutters, quoting  _ Futurama _ as a joke. He huffs. “She’ll be useless for her tests now, you realize this, don’t you?” Aaron only shrugs. “This is cool, though. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll call and reschedule my plans.”

“You really don’t have to,” Aaron mutters. 

“Oh, I do,” Daveed says with a grin. “It’s not every day one is able to meet a famous professional athlete. I’m very much looking forward to this. Besides, he can’t really be as tall as he looks on television, can he?”

Aaron rolls his eyes and Katelyn laughs. “Oh, he can - and he does.” She pats Aaron’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Aaron, but you do look very short standing next to him.” Aaron huffs.

“How does...everything work, then?” Haley asks. She looks up from her phone and squints at Aaron. “You’re, what, five feet even? He’s six foot four. He’s, like, literally a foot and a half taller than you are.”

Aaron sneers at her, an ugly expression they’ve all seen hundreds of times. Daveed once confessed to him that it really turned him off of being friends with Aaron at first, despite the fact that they share three classes. Aaron really doesn’t look like a nice person, and he knows this, but he’s okay with it. Despite that, he knows he needs to have at least  _ some _ personability if he’s going to be a doctor, so he’s been working on scowling and sneering less. 

“I’m not having this conversation.” Aaron grabs his bag from his chair and he slings it over his shoulder before darting away. 

“Aaron!” Katelyn calls. He slows - but doesn’t stop - only because it’s her. “Let’s go back together, huh? Daveed and Gregg are going to walk with Haley.” He nods and they don’t speak again until they are waiting at the bus station. She smiles at him. “I’m glad you told them, you know. It was...really great that you did.”

“Matt said the same thing,” Aaron mutters. He can’t look at her, so he studies a snow pile on the other side of the road from where the snow plow forced everything into one tall mound. “It’s really not that great.”

She hums a little, but doesn’t refute him. “You didn’t look...well, I won’t say you didn’t look happy, but you looked like something was wrong when you came back from talking to him. Is everything okay?”

He debates telling her for a moment, but he trusts Katelyn more than he trusts anyone else, probably, so he decides he should. “It’s when he says he loves me,” Aaron says just as the bus is coming into view. “I...it’s not that I don’t like it, exactly, but I sort of don’t.”

“Oh,” Katelyn says softly. He’d never let her say it, either. He’s pretty sure she’s thinking about that as they board the bus and pay the toll and find seats. It’s mostly empty at this time of night, but there are more than a few other students looking half-dead and yet too-awake with far too much caffeine in their systems. 

They don’t say anything during the short ride to their apartment complex. The distance is short enough to walk, but in the winter, it’s much nicer to just ride the bus. They get off just two stops later and head for the very back of the complex over poorly-salted sidewalks. The stairs on the outside of the building are even worse, but they make it up without incident. Aaron unlocks his door and Katelyn follows him in. 

The heating in her unit is busted and the manager has yet to send anyone out to fix it, so she’s been sleeping in his apartment for the last week. He can’t say he minds, except for the one night she woke him up from a nightmare and he very nearly lashed out at her. He’s relegated himself to the couch ever since. Matt won’t be happy about the fresh red marks on his knuckles, but Aaron would have been even less happy with hurting Katelyn, even accidentally, so he’ll face down whatever Matt says without remorse.

“Can we talk for a second?” she asks, dropping her bag by the door alongside Aaron’s. He nods and they take off all of their winter gear together and leave it hanging on the rack above their bags. She leaves her shoes to the side of their bags, as he does, and they sit on the worn but comfortable couch in the small living room. 

“What?” Aaron asks, and Katelyn doesn’t so much as blink at his gruff tone. 

“Do you love Matt?” she asks. He jerks his head to the side and blinks at her in surprise. His mouth is already half open and forming a  _ yes _ before he realizes it, but she does, and she smiles. “So why don’t you tell him?”

Aaron stands up and he goes to the little kitchen. It’s tiny, about the size of the kitchenette back in the dorm in Fox Tower, but it has a stove and a fridge and all, just no real counter space. Trying to actually cook is nearly impossible, even if he drags the crappy kitchen table from the living room closer. He pokes around in the fridge and opens and closes cabinets - mostly just for the noise - until Katelyn comes to stand beside him and stop his hand. The ease in which she still touches him astounds him to this day. 

“I think you’re afraid,” she says simply. She takes his hand from where he’s holding onto the knob of the cabinet with a death grip and she digs her thumbs into his palm hard enough to make him relax. “That’s okay, Aaron. It’s okay to be afraid. But you can’t be afraid forever, and I think you and Matt should talk about this over the break.”

“I can’t,” Aaron mutters. He stops and tries to swallow the lump in his throat. He’s largely unsuccessful. 

Katelyn doesn’t understand, and it’s his fault for not being able to get the words out. She rubs her thumb over the old scars and fresh red marks that mar his knuckles. “Try,” she says softly. “What happened to the ring you had?” She brushes her thumb over the base of his right thumb where the silver band sat for the last year. 

“Broke,” he chokes out. 

“I’m sure we can get you another,” she says softly. She brings his hand up as if she’s going to kiss his knuckles, but he tugs his hand out of her hold. That’s...that’s something Matt does. He can’t let her do it too, even if he doesn’t really understand why. She doesn’t question him. “Let me wrap your hands before you go to sleep? That way you can’t bite your knuckles, at least.” 

He nods and he’s just glad she doesn’t ask that he share his bed with her again. It’s plenty big enough for the both of them to share - they are both small - but he just can’t risk it. He leaves her in the kitchen and heads to his bathroom. He showers and changes into pajamas that consist of sweatpants and a too-big tee shirt (he stole it from Matt over the summer). He returns and finds her on the couch and dumps two sets of cloth bandages in her lap before sitting beside her.

She’s already tucked sheets around the couch for him and piled pillows up on one end and grabbed his favorite blanket - a warm, fluffy black fleece one that Matt gave him - as well as an extra. He lets her wrap his hands for him and he hopes it helps. They don’t talk much before she heads into his bedroom and goes to bed herself. It’s well after midnight by now, but finals start tomorrow and the normal schedule has been tossed out of the window for it. His first exam isn’t until eleven, and their shared lab is at three that afternoon. He doesn’t sleep well.

The week passes quickly enough, even with little to no sleep and too much caffeine. He’s catching naps when he can to keep his old promise to Matt. It’s important to him to remember that promise and keep it, even if Matt’s probably forgotten about it. But when Matt calls him on Friday night and asks him if he’s been getting enough sleep, that proves Aaron wrong, and he’s just a tiny bit proud to say  _ yes _ , even if he has to follow that up with  _ but not much at once _ . Matt’s okay with that, because some sleep is still better than no sleep.

Now that Haley, Daveed, and Gregg all know about Matt, Aaron invites them over to watch Matt’s game on Saturday night. It’s a late game, which is good, since they’ve all been crashed-out and sleeping for most of the day. There’s beer and snacks piled in Aaron’s fridge and all over every available surface by the time the game starts, and Haley is the most vocal of them. It’s much more entertaining and fun to watch the game with them there rather than alone, and Aaron is rather glad he can do this now. They drink well into the night, long after the game is over, celebrating the completion of their first semester. 

When Aaron wakes to his phone ringing the next day, he groans loudly and answers it with a terse, “What?” without even looking at who’s calling. 

“Have a good night, babe?” Matt teases. 

Aaron groans again and tosses his blanket over his head. He can hear someone else snoring. Everyone wound up crashing where they could in his tiny apartment. He’s pretty sure Daveed is off to his right on the floor. Haley got the couch and Gregg and Katelyn are in his bed - after he’d shouted at them, quite drunkenly, not to fuck there on pain of death. He can remember them laughing and promising not to.

“Where are you at?” Aaron asks sleepily. 

“Just got off the plane,” Matt says cheerfully. “Don’t worry, I’ll get a cab and head over there. Unit 32B, right?” Aaron hums. “I don’t know how long it will take me to get there, but I have to get my bags from baggage claim and stuff. Why don’t we all go to breakfast when I get there?”

“What time is it?” Aaron asks through a yawn. 

“Nine.”

“Fuck you.” Aaron hangs up on him and closes his eyes again, but he can’t quite get back to sleep. So he forces himself to get up and he drags his feet into his tiny kitchen and he starts a pot of coffee around the mess. He grabs a trash bag and starts shoving everything within sight into it and generally making enough noise to wake up Daveed and Haley. 

“Why the fuck are you up so damn early?” Haley groans as she looks at him over the back of the couch. Her orange hair is sticking up in all directions on one side of her head and glued to her face on the other side. 

He smirks at her. “Matt’s on his way from the airport and he wants to treat you assholes to breakfast.” 

It is a testament to how hungover Haley is that she just kind of stares at Aaron for a moment before asking, “Who’s Matt?” 

Daveed groans and throws his pillow at her. It smacks her in the face and falls to the floor. She doesn't look even remotely bothered other than a slow blink. “His boyfriend, you right idiot.” Aaron forgets that Daveed was raised in England until he spits out weird little phrases like that every now and again, accompanied by a slight British accent. His own dark hair is pulled up into a stupid ponytail on the very top of his head that Haley did for him last night. He sighs as he takes it down and scrubs his fingers through it. 

“Oh,” Haley sighs, then yawns. Then she realizes what Daveed said and her eyes grow wide as she looks over at Aaron, who has one eye on the coffee pot slowly filling up. “Shit.” She stands on shaky legs. “I'm...gonna go shower. Yeah. And steal one of your hoodies.” Aaron just waves her away and she stumbles her way into Aaron’s bedroom. 

Katelyn and Gregg come out a just as Aaron pours the first mug of coffee for himself and dumps entirely too much sugar in it. Katelyn yawns as he hands her the second mug and Gregg a third. Daveed still hasn't risen from his spot on the floor where he's half-dozing against the wall, so Aaron takes another cup over to him. 

“Thank you,” Daveed mumbles at him and takes a sip. He makes a face, but keeps drinking. “I miss tea.”

“You could have said so,” Aaron grumbles. He takes the cup back and heads over to the coffee pot. It has an extra nozzle on it just for hot water, so he pours some into a mug before digging out a box of English Breakfast tea and tosses a teabag into it. “Honey or sugar?” 

“Oh.” Daveed gives him a bright smile. “Honey, if you don't mind. Thank you.” Aaron nods and pours a liberal amount from a little squeeze jar into the mug before taking it back to him. Daveed plays with the tea bag for a moment before taking a sip and humming. “Much better.”

“Green tea has more caffeine,” Aaron mumbles as he goes around the living room, continuing to clean up their mess from the night before. Katelyn and Gregg are quick to help out and it takes only a few minutes to have the place back to rights again. 

They are all too hungover and sleepy for decent conversation, but Aaron tells Gregg and Katelyn that Matt is on his way, so they head to Katelyn's apartment for quick showers. Aaron takes his shower next and Daveed takes his last. They are all much more human by the time Matt shows up at Aaron’s door. 

“Hey,” Matt says with a grin. He doesn't move to hug Aaron or anything, so Aaron tugs on the neck of Matt’s hoodie until he bends down so Aaron can kiss him. Matt seems pleasantly surprised. “Well hey,” he says again, his grin a little more teasing as he wraps his arms around Aaron and picks him up for a better kiss that has Haley giggling. 

“Put me down you big gorilla,” Aaron grumbles. Matt laughs but he does put Aaron down. He points at each person as he says their names, “That's Haley, Daveed, and Gregg.” 

“Nice to meet you guys.” Matt goes over to Katelyn and gives her a warm hug. “Good to see you again, Katelyn.”

“You too, Matt,” she says. “We watched your game last night. Congratulations on your win.” 

Matt laughs. “Thanks. It was tough.” They'd only won by a single point in the last few seconds in a brilliant score by their star striker, a man named Hamilton Moore. “You guys wanna grab breakfast? I'm starving.”

“Yes, please,” Haley says. “I know you probably hear this all the time, and I'm sorry, but I have to get it out of my system. I'm just so exy-cited to meet you!” She giggles at her own terrible joke and Aaron rolls his eyes. Daveed groans and Gregg just shakes his head. “Come on! That one was brilliant and you know it!”

Matt laughs. “It’s exy-lent.” Haley giggles again and they high-five. “Should I call us another cab?” 

“Nah, we’ll just take the bus,” Daveed says and waves him off. “There's a diner not far from here.” He grabs his coat first and everyone takes the cue. Matt follows after them, sticking close to Aaron. Aaron waits until they're downstairs before hanging back a bit. Katelyn notices and urges the group on without them, though they don't go far. 

“How is your knee?” Aaron asks. He saw Matt get checked hard last night. He fell onto the hardwood floor and hit his left knee badly enough that he didn't play for the entire third quarter, and when he went back out, he had a brace on. 

“Will says I have to wear a brace for a while,” Matt says with a shrug. “It's not too bad today, just a little swollen.”

“Ice it when we get back here,” Aaron says. Matt nods.

“How are your hands?” Aaron doesn't answer, so Matt takes Aaron’s right hand and looks at his knuckles. “What happened to your ring?”

“It broke,” he mumbles. He takes his hand back and shoves it deep into his pocket. He forgot his gloves and it's too cold to keep his hands exposed to the wintery air for long. 

“I can get you another one,” Matt says gently. “What happened to make you start biting your knuckles again?”

“Nightmares.” Aaron sighs. The group has stopped at the bus stop and they are getting closer. “Later.” Matt nods and they fall into the rest of the group with ease. 

There are very few people out this morning, so they have almost the whole bus to themselves. The diner has a few more people, but not many. No one bothers Matt, though, and Aaron is grateful. Haley is doing enough bothering all on her own. 

“So, like, Aaron never even told us he used to play exy! God! I wish I could see the two of you on a court together!”

“Just look up some of the Foxes old games,” Daveed tells her. “I'm sure there are some out there on the internet somewhere.”

“Look for spring championship game when we played the Ravens,” Matt says with a smirk. “First time the Foxes ever won championships. Neil switched with me as a backliner and he and Aaron were amazing.”

“Yeah, until fucking Riko tried to murder him on the court and Andrew broke his arm for it,” Aaron mutters darkly. He won't ever forget that scene. It was too eerily similar to what he'd done to Drake. He viciously stabs a piece of his waffle and shoves it into his mouth. 

“Are you serious?” Gregg asks. He looks at Katelyn. “You saw this too?” She nods, but she's staring at Aaron. Aaron can hear him whisper, “What's wrong?” 

“Nothing,” Katelyn whispers back, and Aaron knows it's a lie. 

He isn't ready to tell them that secret yet. But he realizes that with Haley Googling for videos, she might stumble on something from his trial. The thought makes his stomach go sour. He shoves his plate away from him. He crosses his arms over his chest. Haley is already on her phone, already searching.

“She's remembering my trial,” Aaron spits angrily. 

“Trial?” Daveed asks. “For what?” 

“Aaron,” Katelyn says, something pleading in her tone. “You don't have to do this.”

“Haley is already Googling, so she's bound to find it sooner or later.” He looks down at the faux-grain wood table. “I murdered my twin brother’s rapist.”

Silence descends over the table. Matt reaches over and lets his hand rest on Aaron’s thigh. Haley can probably see it, but she doesn't comment if she does. Aaron can feel all of them staring at him. He doesn't move a single muscle other than to grind his teeth. 

“Andrew Minyard is Aaron's twin,” Matt says evenly. “It's pretty obvious if you ever see Andrew without his gear on, but almost no one does because he has some kind of clause in his contract that says he isn't required to interact with the media. Which, honestly, that's probably a good thing considering Andrew wouldn't talk to them anyway, but still…” Matt sighs. 

“Aaron was just defending him,” Katelyn says with too much emotion in her voice. Aaron hunches down further in the booth where he is stuck between Haley and Matt. “Andrew was being  _ raped _ by that awful man and Aaron had to see that.”

Aaron imagines Gregg probably has his arm around Katelyn now, comforting her in a way Aaron can't - and never really could. He doesn't know how Gregg himself is taking the news, or Daveed or Haley. He flinches hard when he feels a hand on his shoulder, and it vanishes instantly. 

“Sorry,” Haley whispers. “I just...I'm not going to run away from you, ya know?” 

“I'm with Haley,” Daveed says. “Frankly, I'm quite glad you murdered the bastard. He deserved it. I hope he suffered.”

“I caved his skull in with an exy racquet,” Aaron says in a too-flat tone that makes him think of Andrew. 

“Good enough,” Gregg says softly. 

He didn't expect this kind of reaction, honestly. Most of the Foxes wouldn't really have much to do with him after he killed Drake, and most of the school couldn't look him in the eyes. Everyone avoided him like he had the plague, as if he could kill them too, just by looking at them. He felt like he was still carrying the bloodstains some days. This kind of... _ support _ ...was just unnatural. 

“You are all freaks,” Aaron says flatly. 

Haley laughs. “I think that's why you put up with us.” She pats his shoulder and he doesn't flinch this time. “Honestly, Aaron, we’ve all done some pretty awful shit we don't want anyone else to know about. Yours just happens to be all over the internet.” 

“Ever consider changing your name?” Daveed asks, half a laugh in his voice. 

“Many times,” Aaron mumbles. Matt squeezes his thigh. “It isn't really worth it.” He presses his leg along Matt’s to let him know he's mostly okay. 

“Thank you for letting us know,” Gregg says. “I'm glad we didn't have to find out from someone else.”

“Just don't tell anyone else,” Aaron sighs. “I am innocent according to that judge, and I'd like to hold on to any chance of getting a decent fucking job.” 

“So wait a second,” Haley says suddenly. “Your twin brother is Andrew Minyard. Like, best-fucking-goalie-ever Andrew Minyard.” Aaron rolls his eyes and nods once. “How did you keep this information from me for so long? Ugh! I hate you! I could have been begging you for signed gear for  _ months _ and I'm only just now finding all this out!”

Daveed and Katelyn laugh, and Matt smiles a little. “Andrew doesn't really do anything like that, I don't think,” Matt says cautiously, “but I can see what my team will do?” 

Haley gasps and Aaron rolls his eyes again. “Seriously? Like, for real?” 

“Yeah,” Matt says. “You guys are Aaron’s friends.” And he says it like it means so much more. 

Haley looks like she is about to cry. Daveed is looking at Aaron like he is trying to puzzle together the universe, and Gregg keeps looking from Katelyn to Aaron and back again, like he's got something figured out already. Aaron is willing to bet Gregg can guess the real reason why Aaron broke up with Katelyn now. 

The conversation doesn't really go anywhere after that, and soon Matt pays and they are all leaving. Katelyn goes with Gregg to his apartment and Haley and Daveed go their separate ways as well. Aaron and Matt head back to Aaron’s apartment alone. Matt helps Aaron out of his winter gear and then they head for Aaron’s bed. They lay down and Matt just holds him close for a moment. 

“I missed you,” he whispers into Aaron’s hair before pressing a kiss there. “And I love you.”

Aaron squirms his way out of Matt’s arms until he's sitting up and looking at him. “Stop saying that.”

“Why?” Matt asks, his eyebrows pinched low over his nose. “It's true.”

“I don't care,” Aaron snaps. “I don't want to hear it anymore.”

“Aaron…” Matt sits up too. He reaches out, but Aaron knocks his hand away. He doesn't try again. “What's wrong? What happened?”

Aaron grinds his teeth for a moment before the words sort of explode out of him. “I can't love you!” There's an unspoken  _ But I do _ lingering in the air between them. Matt seems to sense it. He reaches for Aaron again, slowly this time, and when Aaron doesn't push him away, Matt takes his hands. He kisses Aaron’s scarred knuckles gently. 

“I love you,” Matt whispers again, and Aaron looks away. “Aaron.” He waits until Aaron looks at him. “I love you and I will say it as often as I have to for you to get used to hearing it.  _ I love you _ . Okay?” Aaron nods. “Why do you say you ‘can't’? You aren't one to say you can't do something…”

Aaron looks away again, and this time, Matt lets him. Aaron still can't look at people when he has serious conversations. He doubts he will ever be able to. Words are hard right now, so it takes him a while. Matt gathers him up in his arms and holds Aaron against his broad chest, keeping one of Aaron’s hands locked in his own. 

“I...I think some days I can still see all of the blood on my hands,” Aaron whispers. It isn't quite the answer he wants to give, but is the only one that comes out. It's accurate, at least, if not perfect. 

Matt brings Aaron’s hand up to his lips and kisses his knuckles, then the back of his hand, then his fingers, and finally his palm. “These hands defend people,” Matt says softly. “You aren't a protector like Andrew, but you do defend people. You defended him, me, even yourself sometimes. You've got scars from how hard you try to keep yourself quiet, to keep yourself from hurting others. I love your hands.” Matt kisses them all over again. 

“How can you?” Aaron asks, his voice barely audible. “How can you stand being with me?”

“Because I've never met anyone so damned determined to do things on their own before,” Matt says with a smile. “You will get what you want, and you will do it on your own with these two hands and that big brain of yours.” He presses a kiss to Aaron’s temple. “And because I know that you will always defend me, even if I end up doing something really stupid, like punching a guy with a knife.” Aaron just closes his eyes and slumps into Matt's side at that comment. “I love you, Aaron.”

He still can't say it back, not yet, but maybe he is a step closer. He can finally admit it to himself, at least. He  _ does _ love Matt. Instead, he just curls closer to him and presses his face into Matt’s neck. 


End file.
